F53
How does swinging really make you feel?
May 14 2019
Comments
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RHP User
7 years ago
Hi your post it tooo long did me to read Make it simple hey
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RHP User
7 years ago
lol. thanks for the feedback. it's a complex issue so I guess I'll wait for others with more intellectual capacity to hopefully reply.
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RHP User
7 years ago
It makes us feel validated when others who are fun, respectful and sexy desire us, want sex with us and have sex with us. We get that from each other too, but a little external validation is also nice. If we were swinging every Friday/Saturday night, the validation we get from other would be less, and we know that is the most important validation of them all. It’s real and authentic.
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RHP User
7 years ago
Everything in moderation, I couldn’t think of anything worse. Q/Q.
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Libertine001
7 years ago
Dont mind the last post, I think he's illiterate! To me it sounds as though your on different paths as he doesnt seem to mind who he's with and you might want something with a bit more substance. I dont have the right or wrong answer as everyone has to work out what's right for themselves. Good luck with your journey. TDH
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RHP User
7 years ago
read your post (ignore old mate above) I have been to clubs and parties, though I'm single and not a regular. But I do understand what you mean and I think in that situation I would probably feel the same. It doesn't sound like your partner is using the experiences to benefit you both as a couple, it's all about him and his basic sexual wants.I too need some kind of small connection or at least attraction for anything to occur, and that is lacking at most of those kinds of clubs/parties, because a lot of the (mostly single) men lack social skills to hold a conversation and create interest...which is why I assume some are there, paying for what they hope is just random sex with no need for any interaction. *in my experience*My best experience to date was a party organised recently where the hosts made sure all guests could converse and display basic social skills. Not sure how you deal with the situation you're in though, is it a relationship worth fighting for, and will he listen to you and understand & accept how you feel? Or is it better to walk away and hope to find someone more on the same wavelength and wanting the same things as you..?
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RHP User
7 years ago
So grateful for that thoughtful reply. I am wondering whether this comes down (generally speaking) to the differences between men and women. In my experience, women want quality over quantity, whereas men seek the latter? We do have nice things worth fighting for in our relationship; hence my dilemma, otherwise I'd be out the door.
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RHP User
7 years ago
You say you’d describe your partner as addicted to the swinging scene. Addiction to anything is not good. I’d try talking to him about it because if he wants to be out & about every weekend it doesn’t leave a lot of quality time for the two of you. I need an attraction or connection to play, generally speaking it does seem to be more females that require this. There are some awesome guys on here and outside RHP land but also lots that seem to go along with any holes a goal. Good luck, hope it works out for you.
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RHP User
7 years ago
Killer Some people have lots of time in keyboard I find it boring Action speaks more than words
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MsJonesy
7 years ago
My first thought was 'selfish prick'. There doesn't appear to be any consideration for your wants (eg. refuses to have a social life outside the club scene), and he walks away when you start to establish a connection with others via chatting with them....so he doesn't care about your needs. You feel devalued and quite probably questioning your own values and wants....when he should be the one questioning himself. I have gone through periods where I have often attended swingers clubs- maybe once a fortnight for quite a long period. But I rarely play, in fact that is the norm. I, like you, need a connection, and I also need to establish some level of trust with them prior to playing. So my rule of "meet first, play later" even applies at clubs. So although others might think I am a swinger because of my friends and the fact I regularly attend clubs and parties, I am not. I have had partners in the scene (FWBs rather than full relationships) who saw me as a gateway to all things swinging; they eventually got the boot. I am noone's gateway. I am me and I am very happy with the way I conduct my life and the friendships I form in this lifestyle. I think you know the answer to your dilemma. Good luck xx
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AnnieWhichway
7 years ago
I tend to steer away from regular swinging parties but do attend every few months. Prefer a connection like many others. The way you describe it, sounds like he's using you to get in the door. Partners l have swung with have always remained close, looking after each other's back and have ensured all boxes are checked during the course of the evening. With boxes l mean each other's feelings. Anything not right we are both happy to step back together, regroup or leave the party. Even fwb's do this.
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AnnieWhichway
7 years ago
Quoting 'luvu2' Killer Some people have lots of time in keyboard I find it boring Action speaks more than words Seems you have lots of time to criticize others for their spare time.Perhaps put your free time to achieving some level of social skill and even a english writing class to achieve a level of comprehension to read posts and respond in a constructive manner.If you find it boring just imagine how we all feel constantly reading your dribble? Sorry OP, back on topic
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EarthQueen
7 years ago
The thing in your post that really sticks out for me is that you say you are feeling devalued. Sounds like you are fundamentally starting to go on different paths. You are growing one way and he in another. It's ok to want to walk your own path and look after your own needs. Good luck x
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RHP User
7 years ago
Somewhat confused, but this is the way I read it. Your profile says that you are single but you refer to your current partner in this forum. Not understanding the depth of your relationship I believe he uses your relationship to feed his addiction. He sees your role in the relationship as the key to entry and access to swingers clubs. It’s easier to find “success” as a male in swingers club if you are accompanied by female company. I think you should look at your relationship in that context
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RHP User
7 years ago
Thanks, all. EarthQueen - I think you're right there. We have such lovely intimacy together that the unsatisfying experiences in clubs/parties just don't stack up for me any longer. x
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countrytouch82
7 years ago
The saying goes that swinging can strengthen a strong relationship, but likewise it can damage one that isn't strong. Everything needs to be for the right mutual positive reasons. Doing what he is doing isn't arguably bad on its own IF he was completely single (and assuming he's not in any way hurting anyone he gets involved with at parties). The point of swinging as a couple is meant to add to and enhance your own shared lives. Even if you are playing apart, this still applies. While I have only experienced swinging as a single per se, I have made strong emotional connections, and even though not a bonefide relationship, their heartfelt wants and needs mean I make choices that will not be to their detriment, and my thoughts are about them as well as my own needs. Based only on the one forum it would be hard for me to judge whether to say to stay or go, but you have to decide on the long-term sustainability of it, and whether changes need to be made to avoid something that might be inevitable otherwise, sooner or later.
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RHP User
7 years ago
To be honest.... I don’t think swinging has devalued you....and I wish you Godspeed in dealing with this scenario however you see fit to...
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the2ofus4you
7 years ago
For us it is mutual turn on... My wife and I have been together since we were 14 and have been married 22 years We are madly in love and would never jeopardise that Too be able too share experiences together with other people weather it be together or separately is a huge turn on for us I would hate to think our play friend/s would feel like they were feeling devalued in any way Respect is a huge thing for us both giving and receiving
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RHP User
7 years ago
The-Antichrist - please elaborate on that? Or perhaps I should elaborate: I feel devalued in that he constantly chooses this over a night out just with me. Although he claims it's not a competition, it really comes down to never feeling like I alone am enough to entertain him.
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SSExplorer
7 years ago
KQ, please tell your fella to pull his head in (literally) before it’s too late. I lost a beautiful relationship because I also got addicted to the thrill of all this and yes it can be a true addiction. I missed that she was getting over it and she missed that it was a problem for me. Interestingly i was so happy to fall for my wife as she was such a good girl that I thought she’d keep me on the straight and narrow but now she’s discovered she’s bi and here we are. What is wonderful though is we really understand what each other needs and why and I am far more at ease letting her be the gate keeper even though I do the footwork. Then and now I was always amazed at the number of men and couples that would fuck anything that moved and expected sex if they were to meet you. Even when I was lost in it I wanted to feel a connection with whoever I’m sleeping with. I hope Mr KQ wakes up soon!
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RHP User
7 years ago
SSExplorer - I'm so interested in your perspective. Could you please elaborate on what was thrilling about it for you? Having been there and experienced it many times, I just don't understand the appeal; in particular, I can't comprehend how this can be the ONLY thing that someone wants to do with their leisure time. I want to understand, if possible
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RHP User
7 years ago
Look, guys don't play games or whatever like women do. How we treat you is exactly how we feel. If he's treating you like he genuinely doesn't give a shit... he genuinely doesn't give a shit. And this guy clearly doesn't give a shit. You need to lose him and move on.
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SSExplorer
7 years ago
Wow KQ, you’re asking me to really lay bare in public forum 😳, I’ll do my best but happy for you to think laterally and find me elsewhere for a chat too. Because I valued my previous relationship so much and also my chance at improving myself after it I spend considerable time and money getting help to understand it. This is where I learned it was an addiction which was a shock as I haven’t ever been tempted by the usual addictions. For me sex is several things, on one hand it is the most beautiful and intimate thing I can share with another human being and on the other it is a big stress release, it is the second part that can get me into trouble. If I’m stressed I get horny, the greater the stress the more horny I get. Sex becomes an escape from reality not a celebration of it. ....(damn text scrolls off page so I’ll continue in parts).....
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SSExplorer
7 years ago
Being open within a loving relationship brings me closer to the person, it becomes less of an ownership and more of a mutual journey through life where each isn’t restricted on experiencing the good things. But you both need to be in the same page and really understand and support each other and there’ll always be differences in your level of need. Because I didn’t understand the addictive side of it for me and my ex didn’t either, she thought it was that she wasn’t enough (which was so far from the truth) then the openness wasn’t a positive. Now I’m in a position where I understand myself better and have a partner who really understands me too. I thought I had this previously but was kidding myself. Don’t get me wrong my ex and I worked so well on nearly all levels and loved each other deeply but there was a disconnect there that we both didn’t know how to fix. The last 10 years of my life would have been easier if we could have but I had to take the hard road and really work on myself to get where I am now!
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SSExplorer
7 years ago
Interestingly that after the demise of my relationship I steered well clear of the scene as I knew I needed time to myself. Then I fell for a girl who I thought would never be interested in this side of things so would keep me in check. Little did I know that her innocence was due to repressing her desires because of what her religious upbringing demanded. So now we are here as more of a team to delve in again. It scares me a little but I am a lot more relaxed about it and the rest of our life takes precedent over this, so much so that we are one of those frustrating couples that can be hard to pin down for a meet (it does happen though 😉)
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RHP User
7 years ago
Luv....... if it was such a long post and did your head in...... what compelled you to get involved by tossing your comment in? Weird attitude fella
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RHP User
7 years ago
Quoting 'luvu2' Hi your post it tooo long did me to read Make it simple hey I think her question took the amount of time it took to ask - if you want dumbed-down topics go to Reddit.
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RHP User
7 years ago
But this is a fascinating topic KQ37, I look forward to hearing the responses. (Well, I have a little to contribute) I have some friends who were in the scene, they had some wild times. They found that normal sex between just the two of them at home became boring compared to their other exploits, which they could only do a few times a year, so they elected to step out of the scene altogether.
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RHP User
7 years ago
Wow, OkeyDoke, that's been so far from my reality. I've always found the sex so abysmal with others that I've been treating it more as an entree for the main meal with my boyfriend. Then again, engaging in swinging only a few times a year might just make it interesting for me too. I think it's the frequency and repetition that made it dull and predictable for me, and I just don't know how anyone can want to do it every weekend.
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HotNightsGC
7 years ago
We find meeting with people enhances our own desire for each other. Watching each other with other partners is highly sexually pleasing for both of us. This is why we keep our connections intermittent and selective so as to not fall into a place of complacency or boredom. We couldn’t imagine doing this every weekend. The sheer logistics of meeting with new people and trying to find that mutual attraction would for us, be frustrating. And after all, it’s really only one part of a healthy relationship.
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RHP User
7 years ago
SSExplorer - I'm pleased you've found a healthy approach to it all. Still, I'm wondering why you found it so thrilling in your initial experience. Please elaborate if you can.
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RHP User
7 years ago
Thank you, SSExplorer. Your honesty is so appreciated. I'm feeling exactly as your former partner did - never enough, never first choice over encounters with randoms. I'm learning there's several layers to this addiction; not just the sex but the alcohol consumption that goes with that (something I also don't enjoy much). It's very hard to come to terms with but I'm trying....
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Samnite
7 years ago
KillerQueen37... I pretty much feel very similar to you. I have also been in and out of the swinging scene for many years. I have participated mostly as a single male and a couple of times as part of a couple. I am at the stage where I wouldn't mind participating in the scene as part of a couple, whether it be a serious relationship or with a friend. But only now and then when we both feel like it. I'm not really fussed on going to parties and clubs on my own and if I do happen to go it would be more for the social aspect. Having a few drinks, enjoying the conversations, mingling, watching, and just being around like minded people. I do understand that each person has their own reasons for swinging and that's fine. The scene is all about acceptance and tolerance within reason. I have noticed lately that for many finding someone to play with in the scene is more about generating that connection. As long as play is Safe, Sane, and Consensual.
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RHP User
7 years ago
We both prefer quality over quantity with partners but hopefully seeing the quality people again and again. We both want a connection and an attraction. Occasionally, random things happen, but we certainly don't sleep with everyone. We have fantasies to fulfill, not just partner swapping. There are good looking people in the scene, but personality can make or break a person. Maybe, choose wisely which parties you attend. I would suggest you speak with your partner about this. Communication seems to be the key to this world. You sound like a beautiful soul. I hope it works well for you.
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RHP User
7 years ago
XantheaHunter - exactly! I'm there for quality, not quantity. I find the couples dynamic very tricky; it's rare to find a couple you're both attracted to, so we end up operating as singles, so I am struggling with it all. It's put more distance between us than closeness, for sure. :(
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MsSuperFoxy
7 years ago
Please do not ever feel you have to say sorry or opoligize in saying that you don't find many men and women attractive at all in the scene. You like what you like and that is ok. You are allowed too. As for your partner, a lot of women in the scene will not put up with men who will fuck any hole. Let him go and do as he wants and give him the freedom to learn this very valuable lesson. The grass is not always greeen on other other side of the fence. He may think it is now, but when he hits his low point and suffer concequences, he will come to his senses. As for yourself, look after YOU first. Go do things you want to do and make you happy. Ms Foxy
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RHP User
7 years ago
Great advice. Thanks, Ms Foxy. :)
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FeistyFatty
7 years ago
Every weekend? Hells no..... neither hubby and I would find that appealing at all. So I can completely understand. Have you discussed your partners "addition" with him. Maybe spme professional counseling would help if you're adamant about staying in the relationship? Best of luck.
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JT_team
7 years ago
Great thread which has opened up fantastic commentary that as still relative "newbies" resonates a lot with what we've learnt and experienced as a couple and individually. My two cents as the mrs in the couple, i agree that mr and i have different views on this scene we're learning about i.e. it's just sex for him and so when i stress a good chat chemistry is needed for me, he took it as im just not in to it and pretending by delaying. However im actually very very keen to have sex and grow my sexuality but i just can't do it without some commonality on the chat level. If i could find some more good chat I'd definitely be having a lot more sex on this scene! Bit like everything it's about balance, so happy to take quality over quantity like a lot of people have said Funnily as a side note, over the long weekend i was horny AF and willing to just have sex meet up and yet when it came to crunch time no one on our shortlist (about 6 guys) was available haha. So i guess it's also a bit of pot luck with right timing mixed in.
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RHP User
7 years ago
FFF - yes, I have discussed it many times, suggesting it's not normal to want to do the same thing every weekend. I have even asked whether he'd like to attend counseling with me, but as he doesn't acknowledge it's a problem, he naturally declined. He says I knew about his lifestyle before becoming involved, and I tried to enjoy it with him, but just don't find it appealing any more. I basically have to learn to live with it or discontinue our relationship. I guess my post is all about gauging how often is "normal" and also wondering whether others are similarly dissatisfied. I've really appreciated everyone's input and welcome further contributions.
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RHP User
7 years ago
Would love to be on that short list JT_team 😉
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SSExplorer
7 years ago
KQ, giving him the benefit of doubt that he just hasn’t realised you are more important to him than his lifestyle and you really think the rest of your relationship is worth it I would suggest you deliver him a. Big wake up call and maybe consider separating, giving each other space and seeing what happens, if he wants you back then it’s under new terms that puts his “lifestyle” desires way down the list of foci in your lives.
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meandyou121
7 years ago
Next time you write a comment, make some sense
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RHP User
7 years ago
Interesting insight there KillerQueen . . I’m always intrigued with how the female thoughts are in a already couple relationship. It’s an dynamic relationship you are in and as a single guy relish how the female views the situation. Thank you for your honesty .
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RHP User
7 years ago
I’m sorry you’re going through this and it must be a tough space to be. With my partner and I (together 12 years) honesty and transparency is paramount. We don’t hold anything inside and everything is out on the table. I feel that perhaps you should tell him how you feel and try to work out what will be best for both of you. I’m sure you’ve told him some of this before, but I’m not sure if he’s aware of how youre feeling devalued? I think respecting each other is paramount, and in our case I’m the “partygoer”, but if my partner is not comfortable then it’s a no go. I really feel that’s the key and at least works for us. X
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RHP User
7 years ago
I think your post is honest and more true for most people than most on here are willing to admit. As much as it can be fun and live up to expectations on the very rare occasions, I think your observations and comments are absolutely true. Thanks for making a realistic, honest and a little deeper than normal posts on here that most normal people that have experienced swinging to some degree can relate to.
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RHP User
7 years ago
as u mentioned urself ur partner is addicted to it.. addiction is not good. i can imagine while u want space for urself amd want to spend quality time with ur partner he just wait for the weekends to have a fuck with other females.. since he is addicted any immediate change of attitude from u will not be welcomed by him.. its better to go out for an outing or plan for a dinner or bbq at some frined or at ur place to avoid every weekend routine stuff.
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RHP User
7 years ago
NotInLine - I have told him about feeling devalued many times. He just maintains it's not to be viewed as a competition, but I think any person with self-respect would see it that way and always feel second to his needs.
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RHP User
7 years ago
Thanks, FriendlyCouple. From my observations, not many people actually have good sex at these parties. To me, it is an elephant in the room that is just never acknowledged. My boyfriend doesn't take kindly to any of my frank observations about the scene and those in it. I am of the view that he's so blinded by his habit/addiction that he wears rose-coloured glasses about it all and refuses to acknowledge reality.
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RHP User
7 years ago
The dichotomy is that, even though the women he fucks aren't attractive or interesting at all, the fact he still wants them is even more insulting to me, if that makes sense. The sex in these places is formulaic and very vanilla to me, so I cannot understand the appeal on any level. I don't get off on watching other people have boring sex. I'm so far beyond that in my appetites that seeing the same thing over and again is just...meh.
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RHP User
7 years ago
And let's not even get started on a vast majority of men's lack of ability to get hard in these scenarios. lol.
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RHP User
7 years ago
OP...I don’t really think I need to elaborate too much... I’m not suggesting swinging adds value when I say this....but the lifestyle takes 2 to make it enjoyable...without 2 secure people you’ve got 1....while the other presumably just tags along because it’s “what he/she likes to do” without there being really any return on the investment.... I can’t and won’t tell you how to live your life, but again I’m not so sure it’s the lifestyle that’s actually doing this to you....
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RHP User
7 years ago
The_Antichrist - I'm actually a very self-assured and confident person. It's not jealousy at all that I feel; without sounding vain, I am more attractive and interesting than anyone he fucks, but the fact he still wants to fuck them every weekend instead of choosing to do other things with me is where I struggle. Does that make sense?
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RHP User
7 years ago
I have no doubt you are... But I’m also not suggesting jealousy at all.... So I’ll just blurt it out....I don’t know the guy, so I’m merely going on what I’ve read....but from what I’ve read, you’re at a cross roads....you can continue accepting a devaluation from a problem he’s in denial of, or you can cut the deadwood from your life.... In other words it’s not swinging that’s toxic in my view....it’s your relationship as you’re clearly not getting out of it what you’re putting into it....and to me it’s sheer madness banging your head against a brick wall and then asking why your head hurts...
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RHP User
7 years ago
“I don't find many men attractive at all in the scene. I'd have to say that most women aren't either, but this doesn't seem to bother him. I need an intellectual connection to feel attracted to someone, and I just don't find that in clubs or parties. He, on the other hand, walks away on the rare occasion I strike up what I consider to be interesting conversations.” It’s quite obvious that you have already identified the major issue. On top of other issues which you are very well aware of. You could be what some would describe as Demi-sexual, others sapiosexual and such. Maybe both, maybe none. He is obviously not. And it effects other facets of your life as well as sex life. As he refuses to do other things on weekends other than his ritualistic sexcapades. So it became a monotonous routine for you while he is trying to satisfy his urges stemming from who knows which source. You have no social life on weekends while he is doing this. And he seems oblivious to your needs as an individual and partner. So the decision here is based on whether he is willing to identify the issue and understand why he feels the need to do this or not. There is nothing wrong with the way you feel or the way he lives, it could be that you are very different people with different priorities. If he is not willing to change his ways or restrain his urges, you’ll have to make a decision; do you think you both would be better off being with people who feels the same way you do or not? Wouldn’t you be happier with someone who enjoys connecting with people the way you do and him with someone who likes to indulge her flesh every weekend with carnal pleasures endlessly? Speaking for ourselves, we have met some time ago. And our relationship started like a volcano, lot of intimacy inside, but it was also erupting with lot of lust that bursted out as we found in each other a shameless partner in crime as well as a life companion. Soon we realized we had to control our mutual urge to seek and discover new pleasures, new tastes as it started to spill into our ordinary lives. And that’s what all this is about; you have to adjust the balance between your urges to follow your innermost desires and your ability to function in your day to day life. It also makes lot of difference how hungry each person is as it’ll effect how far everyone will go into each of two worlds. He used to be the libertine, the hedonist who went from BDSM to entering relationships with hotwife-cuckold couples, then after few years of this he decided he wanted a relationship and walked out from the scenes. She was the opposite, when they met, she knew nothing of bdsm or hotwifing and as she was just out from long term monogamous relationship she wanted to explore what he just left behind. So we both kind of met in the middle as he guides her into these alternative lifestyles with careful steps and she gives him the stability of intimate committed relationship. So far it’s been nothing but an amazing experience. Any relationship requires communication and understanding, otherwise couples don’t stand a chance. Of course it makes a big difference that while both of us are very sexual, we both also need some kind of connection to feel attracted to people. So when we met an educated, respectful, friendly person, it excites us both and it becomes a triangle of discussion about be it history, art, food, traditions etc. Yes, we will have a period of raw lust every now and then where she will go; “grab me 2-3 studs for a day” so we will do just that, then there will be period of cooling down where we will disable this profile and keep to ourselves or meet with people we already know. All it is, is a matter of compatibility. How much satisfaction and happiness do you bring to each others’ lives in different areas? Socially, sexually, intimately, intellectually... You have to ask yourself this; “Is there someone else out there who could treat me better and make me happier?” If you even think about it, let alone saying yes, you are with the wrong person. Because no way on earth any man or woman could make us happier. Your partner should adore you and respect your concerns. You just live once, be careful who you dedicate your life to.
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youandus33
7 years ago
YEP LUVU2 we can see why you are single , you tosser
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RHP User
7 years ago
I just find that the is not enough communication... I've never been to a swinger's party or been with a couple but have met a few women and communication is the key to urging a really good time and fur things to work out in the long term. I he recently note that a lot of women and some couples have issues with communicating and they also seen to jump to conclusions. I'm only in on the scene very moderately as I am attached and the other half is not into anything so I am careful and moderate my behaviour... And, your initial post isn't too long. I don't mind a bit of reading or talking..... Some people tend to over simplify things to the point where it does get complicated...
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RHP User
7 years ago
It amazes me how selfishness by your partner overrides the essence of what can be wonderful fun essentially causing you to feel “used” ?? certainly not happy with the outcome. If you were my lady if I cannot satisfy your mind and body ... in that order ...then the last thing I would encourage is playing with others. My focus would be very much on my partner first and foremost .... Older men...not old ... have very differing views. I would absolutely protect “Us” first and foremost.
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RHP User
7 years ago
Here is my (Mr 300O) Bush Psychology take on it. Your partner’s is really insecure and swinging so regularly with as many people as possible is his medication to make him feel better. And it’s not a healthy medication. It’s a bit like it’s okay to have a couple of drinks to help you relax in social occasions, but if you have to consume a bottle of whiskey every day it’s not good. On your side, I’m not sure if it’s a case of swinging is not your thing or it’s just been ruined by your partner’s approach. So how do you deal with it. When you tell him it’s not normal, most people on here agree with you. But it puts him on the defensive. It’s his normal after all. May be refine your approach a little, so it is about your relationship, and not him. If you also make it about wanting to swing (and you need to work out if that is what you want), If he values the relationship, he will more open to working with you on getting s healthier balance in your relationship. If that still doesn’t work, then I’m afraid swinging is more important to your partner than you, and I can’t see how you could sustain a healthy relationship on that basis.
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RHP User
7 years ago
he has a big sex drive like me, you should wear him out every second you can babe, dress up, make it fun, surprise him every chance you can, come to my place I'll make you feel so good Killer Queen, make you feel like a Sexy Queen.
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RHP User
7 years ago
he has a big sex drive like me, you should wear him out every second you can babe, dress up, make it fun, surprise him every chance you can, come to my place I'll make you feel so good Killer Queen, make you feel like a Sexy Queen.
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RHP User
7 years ago
Mr 300Orgasms - thank you for your contribution. I am definitely not a prude and I'm quite experienced in this scene. I think you nailed it when you identified his approach as being what's turned me off it: the frequency with which he seeks it out; his lack of discernment; the "any sex is good sex" mentality. I just can't comprehend nor respect any of that. I don't know whether it's so much insecurity on his part as him receiving an ego boost in terms of numbers. I've heard statements like "I once fucked five women in one night". Having witnessed his failure to actually engage in meaningful conversation with anyone, I can only assume this involved very shallow encounters. I've often been left alone while he prowls corridors hoping to be invited inside an open room. He tells me I'm too choosy. Well, I've had my share of shallow hookups and they no longer hold appeal for me. I have many diverse interests in life other than sex and drinking but he declares all my suggestions "boring". My dilemma is that he's a different person at parties but very sweet and loving in our one-on-one time. He seems to engage sexual predator mode in these situations and my comfort or feelings are irrelevant.
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RHP User
7 years ago
As for no social life other than this - he has agreed to do other things with me during the day, and contends that he's only asking for four to six hours each Friday/Saturday. Problem is, throw heavy alcohol consumption into that mix, not sleeping till early hours, not rising till midday or afterwards the next day - it doesn't leave much time for other activities to be pursued. He says he'll get up early to do things with me, but is so grumpy from sleep deprivation if he does that and so not into anything we do that it's quite pointless.
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RHP User
7 years ago
I've asked him why he pursued a relationship with me if he was happy as he was. He said he fell in love instantly and I do believe that - he did pursue me relentlessly. Also, we met via this site and he says I knew his lifestyle and thought I'd share it and understand it. I have tried to share it, but his approach has just left me completely cold. I've stopped attending parties and he goes by himself. That wouldn't be so bad...just not EVERY available weekend evening.
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RHP User
7 years ago
I've heard of the concept of the very things that attract you to someone are the things that often break your relationship. I feel that couldn't be more apt for my situation. He loved my intellect and physicality but now those are proving to be the downfalls; I think too deeply, analyse too much and won't lower my standards to fuck people I don't find attractive. :(
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RHP User
7 years ago
I'll make you feel like a pleased Queen.
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Quadzilla
7 years ago
Hi, I think that you’re on a good path, one of liberated un-possessive sexual freedom and open-ness, but in keeping with a quite supreme fastidiousness about who gets to have that with you. I believe the swinging mindset can be an ‘evolved state of being’ when you also maintain your core values, like you’re trying to do. Thus the kind of partner you would seek having in the end (whether it is this partner or another) will be someone who becomes open to broadening both your own and each other’s sexual experience horizons through each experience, but more with a consideration of how each of your and his sexual interactions are affecting the others evolving mind. It sounds clear that you don’t like where the current direction of evolution is heading, but nothing changes if nothing changes ... Rx 🐅
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RHP User
7 years ago
Thank you, Tiger. That's an extremely insightful contribution.
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RHP User
7 years ago
I have been playing for over a year now and mostly it has been good in other areas, but since I have moved to Cairns it has been mostly a soul destroying experience on the play scene here. Very clicky, rude, humiliating and gossiping. A couple of meets most recently one of a visiting couple that spent most of the time gossiping and complaining about couples they had met in this area and the bitchness they encountered with different groups. It made for an uncomfortable and boring lunch. Another is of a couple I thought we got on but they choose to totally ignore me when I said hi in passing on the street. The other is of parties that are organised and no one gets back to you and leaves you hanging. What an absolute joke never had that happen anywhere else. A lot of profiles state they need to meet genuine, honest, nice people but they are not themselves. So before I get torched by people over this, just please firstly think are you one of those profiles that have done the wrong thing by other people. Cairns you really need to get your act together as it is the same old people here on this site and you are not giving new comers to your city and play scene the chance and respect they deserve and at times just plain mean. It is met to be fun whether you end up playing or not.
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RHP User
7 years ago
You're welcome KillerQueen37. As the male half of this couple, it is true that I'm more interested in it than her but the main reason I wanted to try was to get the excitement of the anticipation of being desired by someone new that you are sexually attracted to. I wanted her to feel desirable and see her react the way she used too. Admittedly after being together for a long time and changes in our libidos with age, I missed her lust for sex. I never wanted to devalue her in fact I wanted the opposite. Unfortunately any clubs that we have been to and the people in them have been exactly as you have described and not at all like the expectation of my fantasies. We have been fortunate enough to have some very fun occasions where we have with great characters, hot bodies but she has always felt conflicted afterwards, especially about the effect on our relationship and that is the last thing I want, I find my partner incredibly attractive inside and out and we are each other's best friends and all I wanted was to give her an experience that ignited her lust. I missed it. It turned out by listening to her, that our issues were not as simple as that but we're working it out together. We only want to be happy together. My point is, if your man can't understand or doesn't make the effort to understand your perfectly normal reaction and feelings towards his behaviour, then he doesn't respect you. I'm guessing he doesn't really respect women full stop. They are just for fucking and you are his ticket to the swinging scene. I apologise if my frankness is a bit confronting and of course I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship but from what you've said, this is not how someone treats someone they care about. Best of luck and I hope you can work things out.
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MsSuperFoxy
7 years ago
Am curious, Is he on this site still? IF he is how does he feel about this forum? Has he read or seen it? 🤔 Ms Foxy
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RHP User
7 years ago
Foxy, I know he is but I'm sure he never reads forum posts. He's just here to organise sex and nothing else.
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RHP User
7 years ago
Ursula - I acknowledge your comment, but however much sex I give him will never quell his desire for more and with as many as possible. I am not dressing up to please him. I dress to suit myself, and I dress beautifully anyway. Nothing will make a difference. I'm never enough no matter what artifice I clothe myself in.
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RHP User
7 years ago
Sometimes it’s better not to respond luvu2, in your case every word you add increases your level of stupidity.
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jualfun
7 years ago
Couldn’t agree more ,everything in moderation.We have been in the scene for 4 years now and have had some really nice experiences and met some lovely couples.But lately we feel the scene is changing been to the same house party twice now people register as couples but really it is full on open relationship that might be okay if that’s what your into but we are like yourself must have some form of connection before going any further, fucking anything for the sake of it is a turn off. We are very choosy who we are with but I guess that’s our call .Good Luck.
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cockasian
7 years ago
The wife and I have both enjoyed swinging before we met the years ago. She likes the idea that hubby having sex with another woman is naughty, and that's what turns her on. I like the idea that I can play with two women, or sometimes couples, which is visually stimulating. Neither of us thinks swinging is a regular activity, and we both prefer to wait for singles or couples where there's some attraction beyond the immediacy of sex.
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EarthQueen
7 years ago
Also it sounds like you don't really like swinging that much anymore? You say you have tried it out for 10 years and you haven't got that much out of it? Sex isn't good, don't like the conversation etc. I'm not being judgy just saying if thats the way you feel whats the point? It doesn't sound good for you. Like maybe a bit soul destroying or something? Especially watching your man do what he does. It sounds traumatic and emotionally self flagellating (excuse my bluntness thats how I roll) You don't have to like it or do it. You can still be a sex positive person and chose to engage in relationships and encounters that bring you happiness. I used to like hook ups. Now I don't. After a while they make me feel numb after, so I don't do them anymore. Self preservation and looking after yourself is key. It doesn't sound like anything about it is bringing you much joy?
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RHP User
7 years ago
A useful insight killer and not too long lol. I'm not sure why I'm on this site - it is a combination of primal drive and seeking a deeper connection which is missing in my life. Many would be in this predicament. I really dont know what I want and I'm not sure whether it is out there either. Love and respect are diminishing commodities today. I want to get my rocks off but I'd also be delighted to meet someone who could discuss art and go to concerts with me. We are beasts but we are also angels or can be with the right person. More or less enforced solitude combined with relentlessly promoted desires via mass media including porn does strange things to souls, or psyches if you are not religious.
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RHP User
7 years ago
Paulus, it is interesting you raise the porn issue. Watching others have vanilla sex does nothing for me but he absolutely loves it. I guess he regards it as live porn. "Soul destroying" (sorry, can't remember who said that) - yes!!! This relationship has crushed me and made me question everything about myself, when, as someone said earlier, it should be HIM having a good look at his values. I agree with the lady from Cairns about the cliquey nature of this scene. I'm always up for a chat but it strikes me that a majority won't give you the time of day, particularly in clubs, unless they want to hook up. So I find this weird vibe develops where, if you're not in someone's crosshairs, all eye contact and conversation is avoided. On the whole, it is absolutely not a social scene to me. I think a lot of people are in denial about that reality.
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MsSuperFoxy
7 years ago
If he is here and you are friends he would see the notifications of your posts from this forum come up on your wall. He might now read the forums. Eeek, a little awkard. 🙉🙊🙈 Ms Foxy
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RHP User
7 years ago
We are not friends but I don't care if he reads every word. Maybe it'll be the wakeup call he needs, but for now, I'm done with him. Thanks for all your input.
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AnnieWhichway
7 years ago
A reincarnated profile is ready to morph. Good luck Killer Queen. ...... I'm sure we will see you again soon
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RHP User
7 years ago
OP Not being on the same page is going to expose fundamental flaws in any relationship and swinging is going to magnify this ten fold as I’m sure you are aware. Not commenting here to give you relationship advice, just our experience and as others have said above, the cracks will widen. That is definitely frequent flying by the sounds of it (your partners desires) but each to their own and hope you can find some middle ground. If not, he is meant to be somewhere else perhaps, hopefully that’s not the case and you get it sorted.
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RHP User
7 years ago
I think you should stop talking about this guy and let me show you a good time.
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RHP User
7 years ago
Male half here. Your post is very self explanatory to me. You don’t even like swinging scene and you are not attracted to men or women in this scene as you need to establish connection on deeper level to trigger such chemistry. He is the exact opposite, he seems to thrive in this environment and he responds to pure lust without the need for any other factor being present. I’d have to say you are not where you need to be, I don’t know why you attend these scenes or even be with him. It’s quite obvious you are very different people with different needs that cannot be reconciled. You also refer to sex in this environment as vanilla sex so I am assuming you are whole lot more kinkier than him, and your real scene is BDSM, not swinging, whereas he is just blessed with this Duracell bunny sexuality hence why he can’t stop or slow down, he is just starving for it and won’t take a break. I can sympathize with you, as I have been there, felt the need to change scene and restart things. I am a Demi-sexual, you could put me in a room full of naked beautiful women and it’d do nothing to me. Whereas the girl who makes my coffee every morning with a smile on her face would make me feel all warm inside and I’d much prefer to spend a night with her than half a dozen naked women I know nothing about. It’s not something that I found out about myself just now, I’ve always been like this. Hence why most of our profile is about my other half and we are here mostly for her, swinging scene does not speak to us either and while she likes occasional sex with others, I see the whole thing from an erotic perspective, much like a poetry. I don’t have to get involved to take pleasure. But then our sex life ar home is very satisfying and intense so realistically I don’t feel the need to go out of my way to meet other women, like you, most people at swinging scene does not interest me.
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tonyjo48
7 years ago
I would be absolutely over the whole thing. There has to be some kind of spark or something otherwise I personally just freeze. Some people can screw anything that is breathing and has a pulse. I even know some who wouldn't care. You have to connect in some way or for me it's all over.
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RHP User
7 years ago
At the end of the day all that matters is that you are honest to yourself. Live your beliefs and values and the life you dream. Once you do that, you won't give the ***** you are with now who will never meet your needs a second thought. Flick him as quickly as you can and walk your pathway in confidence that your real partner is looking for you too. You don't need all of these answers on this site as you already know. Intuition and courage are such a strange mix. X
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RHP User
7 years ago
my lovely, what you give, you will get in return.
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RHP User
7 years ago
Hi I’m a male that can’t perform without connection (apparently in the 5% of men). We do exist and the few women that I have had relationships with can’t praise me enough on how good of a lover I am and that they’ve never had a loving/sexual connection like this before. True lovemaking comes from an energy within. That’s why chemistry is so important. The best lovemaking for me usually comes after connecting through deep bedroom conversation. You are wired differently to your partner. You are starving your soul. One thing life has taught me is you have to be true to your self. The reality is when it comes to sexuality some people are shallow and physical and some people it’s deep and connected almost spiritual.
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RHP User
7 years ago
How’s the illiterate peanut above...😂 Maybe that’s just his personality. I have a few mates that would dip into absolutely anything. It’s just about getting off for them and they don’t care who or what the person looks like. Maybe for him it’s a little more threatening when he knows you do need that connection with someone to take things further and actually enjoy it. Sounds like there’s a bit of an understanding of one an other issue there. Regardless, good luck with it :)
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RHP User
7 years ago
I see your situation as someone who needs a partner to find easy sex. How would he go single and not at a party that is just for sex. We use swinging as fun, meeting people some great some not so great. Swinging should be something you do together and have fun doing it, if it becomes a ritual and lacks fun then why continue. The whole swinging scene has variety in every way, couples threesomes more domes bi straight and many more choices. You find what you like to do together and have a ball, but it is a two way thing, you both need to consider what each wants but you have to also respect what you don't want Life is short, make sure you are happy, make sure you fullfil what you want to do
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RHP User
7 years ago
The best parties we have been in / attended has to be a smaller number with loads of interaction and smiles.. However, when we started out , I (the male half) would be interested in more sexual experiences ..and all of this changed when my partner was more “into” it and would express what she wants and doesn’t ..and over a period of time it has become a very enjoyable experience and now all I want to see if how my partner is doing and her expressions with eye contact .. I do share your concern and the best way is to talk this out and ensure that you both are on the same page ..else put a full stop to it temporarily! I am sure if he respects you enough, he will understand and come around ..
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Funtobehad73
7 years ago
Personally I think the answer lies within itself as a couple. A couple should be enjoying the experience as a couple not singular and that doesn’t just involve swinging but all things done as a couple. Of course if you wanted to play alone and both happy to do that well that’s fine too. You have stated that you have expressed your thoughts and emotions yet he seems to have his own agenda (ie) just sex with who ever he can get. Yet you yourself need a connection before you can perform a sexual act. I personally think he should show considerations to your thoughts and if that’s not happening! well he’s not playing as a couple is he. I wish you all the best with this very difficult time and decision.
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RHP User
7 years ago
I can understand what you are saying.
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newlife66
7 years ago
Hi KQ, its an issue for us of open communication and we certainly have made our mistakes in the early years of swinging. but we only play if we are both happy , that means mentally (both wrapped up in the hot situation) and we feel relaxed and able to explore the moment. for us its about mrs feeling free, desired by other males and knowing she is free to let her hair down (which she is getting better and better at!). If she is able to do that then we both are relaxed and have fun. So for us its about mrs first, then the rest follows.
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RHP User
7 years ago
I see the scene as part of a sexual menu. Swinging satisfies on one level while intense 1 on 1 satisfies on another level. Swinging experiences should enhance 1 on 1 with your partner. There should be boundaries and agreements in place if you have a partner.
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Bi_swinger4u
7 years ago
Sorry to say, but your partner has zero standards and I'm my humble opinion...zero respect for you. Swinging as a couple is difficult enough as it is without trying to pretend you're into someone simply because your partner (male or female) wants to tap everything that lets them. Swinging is about doing so together and there have been quite a few times I have had to walk away from a potential mind blower because it wasn't suited to my partner at the time. You accept it and wait until that magical unicorn couple appears, then fuck as if it's your last. I feel that you're being used as a cheaper entry ticket to swingers parties and then left to hang on the coat rack while someone else has all the fun. It's utterly disrespectful. Just my 2 cents worth.
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RHP User
7 years ago
Yes KillerQueen, I agree although I've only been once to see what the fuss was about. I must say in a positive I was made to feel welcome and I did not find the experience awkward. There was definitely a light hearted party atmosphere most of the time but most conversations were facile and all about sex. I did get intimate with a very nice lady on a bed with other couples which felt a bit strange but once again very fun atmosphere. In the end I left and felt empty and ultimately unsatisfied. The sex was pretty ordinary as it's hard to take your time and I felt no real connection. I'm a sapio at heart and need the intellectual connection to enhance the physical and this takes time. I found the whole experience about voyeurism and exhibitionism. I'm not judging or saying it's wrong by any means but just not for me. I can see that it could become addictive and talking to people quite a few liked the ephemeral nature of it all. No ties, no connection and just sharing each other in a safe friendly environment. A conversation of the physical if you will.
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RHP User
7 years ago
I kind of feel that its is something that is fun but not something I'd like to make part of my everyday relationship. Bigger fan of finding a couple to get to know... find its more interesting and sex is way better.
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Sawadee
7 years ago
I think thats a appropriate term . I can understand how that could happen in such situation. And this is coming from a man who has never attended a swingers party. Not because i dont want to , but because l know i would also need some sort of attraction to want to fuck someone. However ' the curiosity to attend a party at least once remains. So im somewhat torn ?
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